What a fucking night

I saw what I assume to be a fatal car accident last night. A kid, who was probably 21, was drunk and was going at least 70mph in a 35.

Long story short he ran the stop sign, kept going straight where his car was demolished/stopped by 4 trees.

I saw everything. If it was 20 seconds sooner, he would have hit me..

I was the first to the scene and the first to call 911. Lets just say the blood is something I can’t get out of my mind. It was bad, real bad.

I hope the kid survived, but I doubt it. I hope I can get a nap in without seeing nothing but blood. I fucked up my back too by trying everything I could to open the car doors, but the car was so mangled they wouldn’t open.

Such a fucked up night last night. I did all I could do, that’s what I have to remember.

So it’s really happening

I just had my final consultation and I am indeed having gastric bypass surgery on November 11th.

I am scared shitless and actually pretty excited, as of right now.

I am going to be a hotter mess than usual on here, so bare with me. (Or is it bear?)

I am going to do it this time. I repeat to myself, I am going to do it this time. I will not back out. I need this surgery.

I have a little over a month til the surgery and I have to do a 14 day liquid diet. Until that liquid diet, I will be pigging out!

Thanks everyone for all of your support, you guys are awesome.

Tumblr

I use Tumblr for numerous amounts of things. To vent, to socialize and to even get boobs.

I initially started Tumblr as an outlet and as a support for my sobriety, but it quickly evolved. My sobriety and lack of sobriety has always been a subject throughout the years of Tumblr.

I am extremely honest on here. I have been using on and off for the past few weeks. When I use, I don’t dabble, I go all out like Charlie Sheen. I did so much drugs on my birthday, I really don’t remember the night.

I’m struggling. I just got out of treatment a few months ago and I was doing so well. The biggest thing at that time was I was abusing Ambien and Xanax. Now my vice, opiates are involved. I would rather use opiates than have sex. I love drugs.

I am at a crossroads. I just want to get through this without going to rehab. My gastric bypass is coming up and I don’t want to put that off. I need this surgery. I am scared though, because I will be on lots of painkillers when i am in the hospital and at home, but my parents will be dispersing the meds when I am at home.

I wont be able to drive after my surgery, so i won’t have a car to drive to get drugs. I don’t know, it sounds bad, but I can’t wait to have this surgery so I don’t do the drugs illegally. 

I’m a stubborn asshole. I have such a great support system, I can call so many people when I want to use, but it doesn’t help. Once I have my mind set on using, i am going to use. I just hope this fucking cycle stops. I hate being an addict. I wish this upon nobody. 

Hell

My friend started bar tending again tonight so I met her for some drinks. Fuck, she works on University of Cincinnati campus and I’m surrounded by hipster college kids.

There were no such thing as hipsters when I was in college. I’m feeling like a creepy old man…well I should say creepier old man.